Finding Courage: Clare Shine's Journey of Resilience from the Brink

 

From Alcohol Addiction and Suicide Attempts to Women's World Cup Commentator - The Inspiring Journey of an Ex-Ireland International"

Sydney, Australia - On July 20, as the Republic of Ireland competed in their inaugural Women's World Cup match, former Ireland striker Clare Shine marked a significant milestone of her own.

Exactly three years and one month after her second attempt at suicide triggered by addiction, Shine found herself on the opposite side of the world, in Sydney, commentating on Ireland's match against Australia at the packed Stadium Australia.

"It's incredible; it's truly incredible how my journey has unfolded," exclaimed 28-year-old Shine in a cheerful conversation with Al Jazeera. "From the depths of darkness that alcohol and later drugs led me to, to where I stand today – as an individual and a retired footballer, making my debut in World Cup broadcasting – it's absolutely mind-blowing."

On assignment as a co-commentator with Irish public service broadcaster Raidió Teilifís Éireann at the World Cup, Shine exudes a sense of composure and confidence. Sitting near the iconic Sydney Harbour Bridge, dressed in a corn-silk shirt and trousers, she reflects on her remarkable journey from the brink of despair to redemption.

"My life has been a series of unfortunate events throughout my athletic career," reveals the former Cork City and Glasgow City striker, as she opens up about her battle with alcoholism and mental health struggles that ultimately cut short her playing career last year.

As she contemplates the roots of her issues, she admits, "I can't pinpoint the exact cause, but it was a combination of various factors that gradually piled up over time." She adds, "The drinking culture in Ireland is deeply ingrained. Children as young as 11 or 12 start getting involved, and I distinctly remember being 14 when I first went down that path."

"I also recognize many triggers stemming from the untimely death of one of my closest friends at a very young age. I didn't have the opportunity to properly grieve that loss, and then a few years later, I had to cope with the passing of my uncle. Subsequently, alcohol slowly and unintentionally turned into my coping mechanism and escape from it all."

"I couldn't see a way out," admits Shine as she reflects on the immense pressure that accompanied her early success as a prodigious talent. Born in Cork and formerly recognized as the Football Association of Ireland (FAI) Under-19 International Player of the Year, the weight of expectations began to take its toll over time.

At just 15 years old, she played a crucial role in Ireland's runner-up team at the 2010 UEFA Women's Under-17 Championship and represented her country in the FIFA U-17 Women's World Cup later that same year. In 2014, at the UEFA Women's Under-19 Championship, she scored the decisive goal against Spain, propelling Ireland to top their group.

Her career path led her to Scotland when she was only 18. In May 2015, she signed with the then reigning Scottish Women's Premier League champions, Glasgow City, and six months later, she made her full international debut during UEFA Women's Euro 2017 qualifying.

"Moving to a new country at 18 felt like being let off the leash," Shine elaborates. "With newfound freedom and without family or parents around, I embraced every opportunity to be reckless."

Shine vividly recalls being the first person to arrive at the bar and the last one to leave. Football, which had been the center of her life with its teams, training, years of dedication, and discipline, took a backseat as alcohol and drugs consumed her existence. To sustain her habits, she spiraled into a web of lies and deceit.

Dealing with injuries and struggling to come to terms with her sexuality only exacerbated her troubles. As she plummeted into a downward spiral, her mind became like a ticking time bomb.

"I couldn't see any way to turn things around or find peace," she recollects, "so I believed that the best solution was to end all the pain."

In October 2018, while under the influence of alcohol, Shine made her first attempt to take her own life. "The idea had been lingering in my mind for several nights before I acted on it," she reveals. "In hindsight, I'm grateful that it didn't result in serious injuries."

This incident served as a wake-up call, prompting her to reassess her life and take action. It led her to spend a year and a half in rehab, where she worked on her recovery and underwent a significant period of transformation.

However, the restrictions imposed by COVID-19 lockdowns soon led to a devastating relapse. On the night of June 20, 2020, Shine slipped away from an Edinburgh house party unnoticed, wearing only her pajamas, with the intention of making a second suicide attempt.

"When I went missing, Scotland's First Minister [Nicola Sturgeon] and other prominent public figures helped to spread a missing person's appeal on social media," Shine reveals.

She continues, "I even received a video message from former US star footballer, Carli Lloyd, through someone else. It was quite surreal – my story went viral worldwide, and to this day, those memories fill me with immense shame for all the pain I caused my loved ones."

‘Many people suffer in silence’

Shine recognizes that her journey to recovery and overcoming her struggles has been influenced not only by her personal resilience but also by the fortunate circumstances of finding support systems when she needed them the most.

"When I relapsed in 2020, my brother played a crucial role in helping me get back on my feet. Additionally, my friend and former Irish teammate, Amanda Budden, has been an unwavering source of support throughout this entire process," Shine gratefully acknowledges. "I consider myself fortunate to have had people I could confide in and seek treatment from during those difficult times."

"As my mom always reminds me, I have the comfort of going back home whenever things go awry. This love and security can be an invaluable source of strength when everything else seems to falter."

Despite facing numerous challenges, Shine demonstrated remarkable resilience and determination. During the 2020/21 season, she made 12 appearances for Glasgow City and continued to shine in the 2021/22 season, scoring 10 goals in 28 appearances. One of her notable achievements was a stunning volley against the Swiss team Servette FC, which earned her the title of Club Goal of the Season.

Having represented Ireland on seven occasions, with her last appearance as a substitute against Montenegro in 2020, Shine made the decision to retire from professional football just two weeks before her team secured qualification for the expanded 32-team 2023 FIFA Women's World Cup.

"When Amber [Barrett] scored that crucial goal at Hampden Park against Scotland last October, I was in tears at home," Shine fondly recalls, referring to what is now regarded as the most significant goal in Irish women's football history. "I was watching the match on TV in Cork with my family. Despite being emotional, witnessing Ireland's qualification was an incredibly proud moment for me as well."

Reflecting on her timely retirement, she shares, "I remember my mom telling me, 'You could have waited another week.' However, I reminded her that there was a reason behind my decision to stop playing when I did."

Years of battling addiction, undergoing rehabilitation, experiencing a relapse, and enduring two suicide attempts had undoubtedly taken a toll on Shine by that point. She candidly acknowledges, "I was facing a lot of challenges with my medication and finding it difficult to cope with the demands of top-tier football."

Despite the circumstances, she made a bold decision that not many would have made in her position. "Many others in my situation might have persisted and continued pursuing their football career," she reflects. "But I had to summon the courage to prioritize my own mental health and well-being at that moment."

In 2021, Shine discovered another source of strength in her life. Having been sober for nearly two years, she made the decision to write her autobiography, which eventually became "Scoring Goals in the Dark." Co-authored with Gareth Maher, Ireland's media liaison at the World Cup, the book was released in June of that year and draws, in part, from journals she had been keeping since she was 15.

"Through my book, my main goal was to help as many people as possible to avoid making the same mistakes I did," Shine shares. "I wanted to share my story because I know that many people suffer in silence, just like I did. I believe that if I had spoken up earlier, I might still be playing football today."

Aside from her broadcasting career, Shine is currently pursuing a remote life-coaching course offered by an institution based in England. Additionally, she has plans to relocate to Australia with her girlfriend after obtaining a working holiday visa.

Regarding her life post-retirement, she is taking an adaptive approach, going with the flow and taking each step as it comes. In the future, she aspires to work closely with athletes as a mindset mentor and later delve into addiction studies.

"If there's one thing I want young footballers to take away from my journey, it's bravery," she asserts, pointing to the tattoo "be brave" on her forearm, which she got last year.

"I used to be so afraid of how people would judge me for my past actions. However, when you come to terms with your past and acknowledge your mistakes, there's a tremendous amount of courage in that, just as there is in taking control of your own life," she explains. "Not many people can do that, and I am proud to have been able to do so."